So I was walking home from this particularly inane party my boss threw for the 4th, along one of the more seedy parts of Washington Ave., when out of nowhere this skinny-looking hispanic guy jumps out at me, waves around this knife like he was really proud of it, and sort of sneers at me, "Give me your wallet" like I'm supposed to me impressed or something. Which I'm not, so I tell him, "Look pal, you ain't gonna get nowhere in life mugging graduate students. Fuck " [I had read somewhere that cussing impresses these types] "all I've got is ten lousy bucks, which I'm not gonna give you cause I need it tao!" I didn't mean to say "tao!" right there but this asshole had shoved me up against the wall all violent and macho like, and it just sort of came out. Oh yeah, and while he was shoving me against the wall he said "Give me your wallet!" as if it was the cleverist thing in the world. I mean, who writes this guy's material? So I say, "Look buddy, there's no way this operation can by cost-effective for you. I mean, you make like what, fifty bucks a night, a hundred if your lucky? There's no way that can cover your overhead, let alone the ris-qichk" That last clicking noise was from his knife puncturing me in chest, going through my liver and god knows what other vital internal organs. Which wasn't a nice thing to do, so I tell him, "You know, that wasn't a particularly nice thing to do." So then he goes all crazy on me and freaks out, shouting "Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up!" while he grabs my wallet out of my front pocket and jerks the knife up through my lungs before pulling it out and running off.
So as I sat there bleeding to death, I thought, what a wimp. What a wimp. Obviously -- and I mean obviously -- not in touch with his inner child.