Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the internet. About me. About you. About the clueless scum way down at the bottom of our killfiles. Maybe you don't read News with a killfile. Maybe you read News by nntp-telneting into your local News server. Maybe you just more /usr/spool/news. I don't know, and I don't care.
I'm just a regular frosh, I go to Rose-Hulman. I've got a computer account, I'm majoring in chem. I like gifs of porno and taking purity tests, And reading email and the sci-fi digest. I chat on IRC and play netrek. I watch Jeopardy with Alex Tribeck. But sometimes that just ain't enough To keep a guy like me interested. Oh no, [no way], uh no, No I've got to go out and have fun At the taxpayer's expense. Oh yeah, [yeah yeah], yeah yeah yeah I post twenty messages that all just say test To alt.culture.us.southwest. I'm a newbie! [He's a newbie, what a newbie] I'm a newbie! [Such a newbie, the world's biggest newbie] No net.cop can tell me what to do. I ask stupid questions that are in the FAQ. I'm a newbie! [He's a newbie, what a newbie] I'm a newbie! [Such a newbie, he's a real fucking newbie] Maybe I shouldn't be ranting and raving along In rec.culture.fucking-islam. Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong. Nah.... I'm a newbie! [He's a newbie, what a newbie] I'm a newbie! [Such a newbie, the world's biggest newbie]You want to know why this country's productivity is falling through the floor? Because we've got the net. One word: cyber fucking space. The government spent millions of dollars to hook up all the fucking future geniuses of this country -- all of the Einsteins, all of the Newtons, all of the fucking rocket scientists who should be out there looking for the Mars Probe -- and gave them expensive computers and the best they could come up with was alt.binaries.sounds-armpit.noises.
I don't care how many human interest pieces they run in Newsweak or Wired or The New York Times; I don't care how hip or trendy it gets to hang out on the net; because it's all just a bunch of loser nerds who can't get laid, and there's no cure for USENET.
So do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get fifty trillion miles of fiber-optic cable and stick a direct News feed into the cerebrial cortex of every man, woman, and child in Japan. And boy are they going to be pissed. Did you ever have 2000 unread messages in talk.bizarre and find out that 1000 of them were from Kevin McAuley? Well, multiply that by a billion and that's how pissed off they are going to be. Because I'm going to Japan and with me I'm going take William Gibson and Barry Shein and Kibo and CARASSO and Blair Houghton and Ludwig Plutonium and Alexander Abian and
[Hey! Hey! You know, you really are a newbie.] Why don't you just shut up and post this song, pal. I'm a newbie! [He's a newbie, what a newbie] I'm a newbie! [Such a newbie, the world's biggest newbie] N E W B I E! Everybody now, N E W B I E! N E W B I E! I'm a newbie and I'm proud of it.