Zen for Stupid People

By popular demand, we present:

"ZEN FOR STUPID PEOPLE"

• What is the sound of two hands clapping?

• If a tree falls in forest, and someone is around to hear it, does it make a noise?

• If you meet the Bhudda in the road...well, step aside! Make way! This is THE Buhdda we're talking about!

• A monk came to Joshu and asked "What is Zen?". Joshu replied "Have you eaten your rice?". The monk said "Yes." Joshu responded "Well, go ahead and have seconds! There's plenty enough to go around!".

  Hearing this, the monk was not enlightened.

• Two monks were arguing about a flag. One said, "The flag is moving." The other said, "The wind is moving." A Zen Master happened to be passing by. He admonished them, saying, "Don't you guys have anything better to argue about? Jesus!"

• One day Tokusan told his student Ganto, "I have two monks who have been here for many years. Go and examine them." Ganto picked up an ax and went to the hut where the two monks were meditating. He raised the ax, saying, "If you say a word I will cut off your heads; and if you do not say a word, I will also cut off your heads."

  Both monks continued their meditation as if he had not spoken. Ganto dropped the ax and said, "You are true Zen students." He returned to Tokusan and related the incident. Tokusan immediately had him arrested as a homicidal maniac.

• Question: "Does a dog have Buddha-nature?"

  Answer: "No."

• Question: "Why did Bodhidharma come from India into China?"

  Answer: "He was bored."

• Zen is drinking when you are thirsty, sleeping when you are tired, and taking the trash out on Tuesdays.