Carl cried a lot and led an unhappy childhood. One day, he asked his dad what it would take to be accepted. Now, Carl's dad, an aging electric trolley car, was an alcoholic, and would beat Carl mercilessly for no particular reason. Carl hated his dad, and wished he would die or something, but he never had the gumption to do the job himself.
Anyway, Carl managed to catch his dad in a reasonably good mood. Dad didn't strike Carl, but instead said "You make me sick. You'll never get a job as an engine. You're too week and puny to pass the tests. Now get out of here before I belt you one."
In order to be hired by one of the prestigious rail lines, like Amtrak, engines had to try out and pass tests. The hardest test of all was to climb all the way to the top of the highest mountain. Carl would try, and get halfway to the top, and then he'd run out of steam and roll back home to the laughter and the howls of derision from his fellow trains.
"Dad's right. I'll never make anything of myself. I'm such a pathetic specimen of engineering, nobody likes me. I hate my life." Carl broke down crying, visions of his shattered future dancing in his mind.
Now, as luck would have it, a friendly train engineer named Bud was passing by and heard Carl crying. He ambled over, in a friendly way, and said "why are you crying?"
"Everybody hates me and I can't do anything right!"
"Oh, that's not true. I don't hate you. You seem like a nice engine. What's your name? Mine's Bud."
"Oh!" said Carl, brightening noticeably, "My name is Carl!"
"Well, Carl, it's very nice to meet you. Now tell me about your problems."
Carl had found a friend! He told Bud all about the way dad beat him, and how the other trains would force him onto sidings and steal all his coal, and how he couldn't climb the mountain. Bud listened quietly to all of Carl's complaints, and when Carl was finished, Bud said:
"Well, Carl, if you try really hard and practice every day, you can climb that mountain! I'll even help you!"
Carl was ecstatic. He'd found a friend! So every day for the next several months, Carl practiced hard. He went on long-distance trips, took fast sprints down long, straight tracks, and pulled heavy weights up progressively larger and larger mountains.
But practice was not the only thing Bud made Carl do. Bud taught Carl all about the importance of keeping his engine clean, making sure that his exterior was nice and shiny, and especially the importance of properly maintaining his boiler system. Bud couldn't stress this enough. "If you don't maintain that high-pressure boiler system, you could cause someone a world of pain," he said.
Carl was getting stronger and stronger. The other trains stopped picking on him, and even his dad didn't beat him so hard. Carl positively glowed with newly-found confidence. Eventually, he decided it was time for the big test. Bud arranged everything; he got all the train companies to send representatives to the test, and shined Carl up real pretty the night before.
"Now Carl," Bud said, "you have been maintaining yourself, haven't you?"
"Uh...yeah!" Carl said, even though he'd been ignoring it lately. Instead, he'd taken to traveling around, showing off his shiny new exterior.
"Good," Bud said, "because I'm going to be riding in your cab tomorrow, helping you get up that mountain."
"Ohboy ohboy ohboy!" Carl said. "With you in my cab, there's no way I can fail"
"That's the spirit, Carl!" Bud beamed.
The big day arrived. All the train representatives gathered at the viewing stand and remarked on what a fine engine Carl looked like. Carl got all ready, and when the referee yelled "Go!" Carl started up the mountain.
"Go Carl! Go!" Bud shouted, as Carl raced up the mountain.
Faster and faster Bud went, up steeper and steeper slopes. He'd never felt so good! But then the track got really steep, and he started to huff and puff. "I can't make it, Bud! Help me!"
"Just give it all you got, Carl! You can do it!" Bud said.
Sadly, these were the last words Bud ever said. Carl hadn't been maintaining himself properly, so when he tried extra hard to make it to the top, he pushed his system to hard and a steam pressure intercooler failed. The backblast filled the cab with superheated steam, instantly scalding Bud beyond recognition.
"Bud! Nooooo!!!" Carl screamed. But it was too late. The referee stopped the test, and a Life Flight helicopter took Bud to a nearby trauma unit, where he lingered in an intensive care burn unit for two weeks with third-degree burns over 95% of his body before his relatives got a court order to have the plug pulled.
As for Carl, he was so despondent about killing his only friend and failing the test that he killed himself by taking a sharp turn way too fast and derailing.
The End.
Joel Pratt (pratt@nicco.sscnet.ucla.edu) is a graduate student in Political Science at UCLA.